So you have trust issues?

Early in my clinical work for my graduate program, I would often have clients tell me, "I have trust issues."

As we explored the presenting problems together, I began to realize the trust issue was that they were trusting people who were not trustworthy. They had internalized the problem being that they just needed to work on, in counselling, trusting the untrustworthy person more, because it was their "trust issue."

In their book, Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (1995), psychologists Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend note the characteristics of safe and unsafe people:

Safe People

Connection

Being emotionally present, able to connect with others, and being genuinely engaged in the relationship

Acceptance

Accepting others without condemnation, shame, or requiring them to earn love and approval

Honesty

Ability to be truthful, address problems, an openness to correction and feedback, and encouraging responsibility and growth

Unsafe People

Abandon

Struggle to maintain connection and commitment; they may start a relationship but then withdraw or disappear when closeness or responsibility are required

Criticize

Focus on faults, judge, condemn, rather than offer grace and constructive feedback

Don't Take Responsibility

Fail to take responsibility for behavior, commitments, or their impact on others

Because we are all human, I think we can identify times when we have criticized, not been gracious in our responses, not been open to feedback in a moment, or withdrawn because there was fear of getting to close to someone and what that might mean.

We were not the best version of ourselves in that moment.

Reflecting on one's own patterns in relationships or reflecting on the relationship itself can help determine where growth may be needed. Some of the following questions may be helpful:

Self-Awareness & Responsibility

Are individuals able to recognize their own behavior patterns and shortcomings, and take responsibility for their actions?

Boundaries & Respect

Are individual needs, boundaries, differences, and autonomy respected by both people? Is it okay to say no? Is there a willingness to compromise?

Emotional Safety

Can individuals be open and honest to each other without fear of rejection, retaliation, or judgment?

Relationship Influence & Growth

Is this relationship encouraging healthy growth, connection, honesty, and acceptance of differences between individuals? Is this relationship helping me become the person I want to be?

Accountability & Repair

Do individuals acknowledge harm, accept responsibility, work together to resolve conflict, and make changes? Or is there a "blame game" or patterns of avoiding addressing behavior that undermines trust and security?

Further Reflection

For the Relationship

How are we creating a safe & healthy relationship dynamic? Are there areas we need to grow in or change?

For the Individual

How do I define a safe person? How do I demonstrate the characteristics of a safe person?

Please Note

Physical violence completely destroys and undermines safety in any relationship.

You cannot have emotional and relational safety when there is physical violence.

Physical safety is the first priority.

If you are a victim of violence, please get help.

In Switzerland, you can call 142 or refer to Opferhilfe-Schweiz

Help is available in the 4 National Languages & English.