When you want to turn back

Years ago, the younger version of myself hiked Mount Harvard, the third tallest Colorado 14-Teener (14,421 feet / 4395 meters).

I was living in Cambodia, but planning to be in the US and visiting my brother early that fall.

How could I prepare? How could I condition my body for the elevation changes? Hmmm...

Possible? Probably not.

Before arriving in Colorado, I had a video call with my brother. "So, this sleeping bag is going to work for cowboy camping, right?"

My brother had a genius idea. We would night hike into approximately 11,000 feet of elevation and camp so I could acclimate to the elevation change. We were loading up our gear with our cousin about to embark on this adventure. It was truly a dream of mine to summit a 14-Teener.

My brother, "is that your sleeping bag?" "Yes, I showed it to you on the call." That's when I learned that apparently a Slumberjack for sleepovers probably would not cut it. In my family, we would usually say, "hope for the best, prepare for the worst," but in this case I think we were more than hopeful and less than prepared. So, we headed out, leaving the 4-Runner at the trailhead parking lot.

We made it to about 11,000 feet and found a spot to roll out the sleeping bags. Wearing every piece of clothing I had packed, I tried to sleep. At some point in the night, my brother and I both realized it may be better to sleep side by side for warmth and self-preservation. My cousin, who had hiked the Appalachian Trail through winter, seemed quite toasty in his sleeping bag, or maybe he was just better conditioned.

After a bit of time, my cousin randomly asked if I'd like his emergency blanket. "Seriously. You're just now asking me this?"

Now at this point, anyone reading this who has more experience than me in this area knows exactly what my cousin threw me. That's right, a large rectangular piece of thin tin foil; not the plush fleece blanket I had envisioned.

I will never forget that night. Truly, it became a mental battle. I half way, and nearly all the way, at times talked myself into getting up and walking my you know what back to the 4-Runner to sleep; backtracking all the miles I had already hiked to get to that point.

I laid there on the ground, under the stars, huddled next to my brother longing for daybreak.

I have never thanked the Lord so much for making the greater light to govern the day, knowing beyond hope eventually it would come out again, and I would be warm.

The sunrise did come. We made the summit. I was grateful I did not turn back.

I am not saying there is never a time when we do not pivot or change course. But, this experience taught me some things about processing through a very uncomfortable situation:

Thought Process

Telling myself the truth about the situation gave me some perspective I needed. It was not all bad, just very uncomfortable. I felt like I was going to freeze to death, but I was not actually going to freeze to death.

Emotional Process

My initial thought patterns were convincing me that I could not complete this journey. Disappointment, discouragement, and even blaming others for my uncomfortable situation was trying to take root in my heart ("How could they not prepare me for this?!," etc.)

Behavior Process

Eventually, I had to make a decision, and settle that I was staying. I would complete the journey I set out for. I also learned, on a whole new level, the importance of being prepared. To the degree that I can control it, I won't be in that situation again!